Pressure to seem perfect can strain teen relationships, but kindness from peers can help

Think about making an attempt to at all times seem excellent. You keep on high of the newest magnificence traits, excel academically and mission confidence in social settings, even whenever you’re struggling or feeling utterly overwhelmed. You’re employed arduous to cover any potential flaws, consistently worrying that in the event you stumble or present any cracks in your armor, every part will crumble.

For a lot of teenagers, the stress to mission an ideal persona feels needed to slot in, keep away from criticism and achieve approval from their friends. It is easy to suppose that being excellent will make you extra likable, as a result of who would not wish to be round somebody who appears to have all of it collectively?

Nonetheless, our new examine reveals an ironic twist: the very effort to seem excellent may very well push others away. As an alternative, constructive interactions with friends could assist teenagers break away from the fixed want to appear excellent and foster extra supportive friendships.

With our analysis, we wish to make clear the hidden prices of making an attempt to keep up a flawless picture and reveal how letting go of this stress can pave the best way for extra genuine and supportive connections for teenagers.

Indicators of perfectionism

Perfectionistic self-presentation refers back to the effort to create and preserve a picture of perfection, the place folks go to nice lengths to make sure they seem excellent to others. For teenagers, this usually means showcasing a cultured exterior and suppressing indicators of misery, vulnerability or imperfection.

Many teenagers who interact in perfectionistic self-presentation additionally battle with emotions of insecurity. They might imagine they are not worthy of affection or help, so that they attempt to create a flawless picture within the hopes of securing the acceptance they lengthy for.

Analysis identifies some fundamental features of perfectionistic self-presentation: self-promotion, the place teenagers spotlight their achievements whereas downplaying any struggles; perfectionistic non-disclosure, the place they keep away from revealing any private challenges; and perfectionistic non-display, the place teenagers make a concerted effort to chorus from doing something that may be judged as imperfect by others.

In keeping with our analysis, dad and mom, academics and teenagers ought to concentrate on the next indicators which will point out an adolescent is fighting the stress to seem excellent:

Hiding feelings: Suppressing indicators of misery, corresponding to disappointment, anger or frustration, even when expressing them could be acceptable, like once they expertise a disappointment, a loss or a setback.
Issue accepting compliments: Rejecting reward or constructive suggestions as a result of they really feel like they have not totally earned it or that their picture is not “excellent” sufficient.
Unwillingness to ask for assist: Shunning reaching out for help or help as a result of they concern it is going to make them appear imperfect or incapable.
Outward self-promotion: Incessantly discussing or showcasing successes, corresponding to awards, honors or excessive grades, to strengthen their sense of accomplishment.
Effortlessness: Downplaying the hassle behind an achievement, making any successes seem easy.
Avoiding vulnerability: Avoiding sharing their genuine ideas and experiences with pals out of fear that exhibiting any flaws or struggles will result in rejection or judgment, even when these emotions aren’t essentially unfavorable.
Threat aversion: Steering away from duties they may not be instantly good at and looking for extreme reassurance or steerage earlier than even beginning, fearing failure will damage their picture.

Our latest examine

In our latest examine, we requested 239 teenagers between the ages of 13 and 19 (72 % of whom had been feminine) to finish a sequence of 4 questionnaires, spaced roughly seven months aside between October 2017 and November 2021. The questions had been designed to measure perfectionistic self-presentation, relational victimization and receipt of pro-social acts.

We discovered that the extra teenagers targeted on showing flawless, whether or not by consistently exhibiting off achievements or hiding their actual emotions, the extra they skilled relational aggression, like gossip or social exclusion.

This helps the concept that perfectionism can result in social disconnection. When teenagers prioritize an ideal picture over actual connections, it will possibly create a barrier between them and their friends. Consequently, they could battle to kind significant friendships, and should even grow to be targets of bullying as a result of their perceived perfection could make others really feel threatened or disconnected.

Our examine additionally revealed that when teenagers targeted on presenting a super picture and hiding their actual selves, they obtained much less kindness and help from their friends, making a cycle that solely elevated the stress to maintain up the right picture.

Over time, this could result in emotional misery, as teenagers could more and more query their self-worth and battle with deepening emotions of loneliness. The absence of significant connections also can restrict alternatives for development and studying from friends, that are essential throughout adolescence.

Constructive peer interactions

The excellent news from our new examine is that teenagers who obtained extra acts of kindness and help from their friends felt much less of a necessity to cover behind a flawless facade. This highlights the facility of kindness and connection in serving to teenagers let go of perfectionist tendencies.

Fostering supportive, genuine friendships is usually a essential step in decreasing the nervousness and isolation that comes with making an attempt to seem excellent. Constructive, supportive interactions with friends create the muse for sturdy and significant connections, the place teenagers can be happy to be themselves, imperfections and all. You probably have a good friend or relative who’s fighting the stress to be excellent, listed below are some issues you possibly can attempt:

Encourage them to share their emotions, even when issues aren’t going nicely, and guarantee them it is OK to indicate vulnerability in friendships. Remind them that actual pals settle for each other’s flaws, and that excellent friendships do not exist; what issues is help, understanding and mutual care.

Create an surroundings the place imperfections are celebrated and assist them perceive that they matter and that they do not should be excellent to be cherished or valued. Be open about your individual struggles and present one another that vulnerability is an indication of power, not weak spot.

The truth is that needing to maintain up a picture of perfection usually retains us from constructing the supportive, significant relationships we want. By letting go of the necessity to seem flawless and embracing imperfections, we open the door to extra real relationships the place we are able to obtain the care and understanding we deserve.

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