Wednesday, June 4, 2025
VISIT ROYALMOK
Agarwood Times
  • Home
  • Agarwood
  • Health
  • Diseases
  • Diet & Fitness
  • Nutrition
  • Sleep Info
  • Meditation
  • Shop
No Result
View All Result
  • Home
  • Agarwood
  • Health
  • Diseases
  • Diet & Fitness
  • Nutrition
  • Sleep Info
  • Meditation
  • Shop
No Result
View All Result
Agarwood Times
No Result
View All Result

‘I felt like Achilles in a hard hat’: an extract from Boris Johnson’s ‘alternative’ memoir | Ian Martin

October 12, 2024
in Diseases
Reading Time: 6 mins read
0 0
A A
0
Home Diseases
Share on FacebookShare on Twitter


When it was introduced that Boris Johnson was to publish an trustworthy account of his time in Downing Avenue, all of us thought: how trustworthy would it not be? As a result of for 3 magical years, Britain’s biggest prime minister confirmed us precisely what excessive honesty in politics appeared like. Would his innate modesty permit him to disclose the total extent of his selfless service, his valour, his tireless dedication behind the scenes to Construct Boris’s Brexit Britain Again Higher?

No. He has characteristically omitted from his e-book all of the Cobra conferences he attended in secret, for causes of nationwide safety. He makes no point out of the Christmas he spent personally packing hundreds of AstraZeneca vaccine photographs. He excludes altogether the late monarch’s adulation of him, how she would gown as a pearly queen for his visits, how they’d sing outdated cockney songs into the small hours.

It’s time to place the report straight, with an much more trustworthy appraisal of these Huge Canine Days. In a companion, so-called “parody” quantity to his personal good memoir, I current his life as a sequence of helpful life classes: If It Ain’t Mounted, Break It; A Lie Isn’t A Lie If It’s A Joke, and so forth.

However I’ve additionally corrected the general public notion of occasions which culminated in his being compelled out by what he courageously referred to as a “media-driven hoo-hah”. The Guardian has chosen some uncontroversial extracts from that ultra-honest timeline, beneath …

July 2019

Discredited Narrative: The prime minister, Theresa Might, resigns after struggling to get parliamentary help for the Brexit deal she agreed with the EU. Boris Johnson says he needs to interchange her. The US president, Donald Trump, endorses him. There may be then a two-way contest between Johnson and Jeremy Hunt. Johnson is appointed prime minister and guarantees that Britain will go away the EU on 31 October, with or with no deal.

Unhinged Fact: I, Boris Johnson, Theresa Might’s most loyal supporter, plead along with her to remain on and supply to “strike with pressure any blackguard fomenting treason”. It was to no avail. “Vulgus irata praevaluit …” I write in my diary, my brow pedimented with remorse, one eyebrow raised right into a Gothic arch of solemn willpower. The indignant mob has prevailed. “This minority authorities should NOT be allowed to sink. No, it shall rise once more!”

Already the nation is keening for me to Get Brexit Sorted. Trump makes a secret go to to handle the 1922 Committee by candlelight and says: “This man, Bosco Jackson, a ravishing singer. And he would make an awesome, nice, nice chief. Ass like a buffalo. Make him Brexit King or simply shoot yourselves within the fucking balls.” An awesome cheer goes up and I settle for the nomination.

December 2019

Discredited Narrative: The choice to carry a snap common election brings a decisive victory for Johnson: an 80-seat Conservative majority. Now the prime minister is ready to pressure via a tough Brexit.

Unhinged Fact: I knew instinctively what the British individuals needed to see. They needed to see a wall of polystyrene bricks with GRIDLOCK emblazoned throughout it, then me lurching via it on a digger with “Get Bloody Brexit Sorted” caught on the scoopy bit on the entrance.

Couldn’t have felt extra like Achilles in a tough hat except I’d tied Corbyn’s corpse behind me and carried out a victory lap. As for Europe … Alas, quickly a roaring sea and lots of metaphorical mountains will lie between us. I remorse it has come to this. I’m at coronary heart a Europhile. I bloody love scoffing croissants, knocking again le beaujolais nouveau and fondling busty European girls. However there’s positively extra to be gained by leaving Europe. All types of treats are flooding in – free holidays and whatnot (some, mockingly, in Europe). A pleasant rebalancing there. Informed Carrie to order that gold wallpaper she fancies – don’t fear about who’ll pay for it.

March 2020

Discredited Narrative: The coronavirus pandemic hits the UK with full pressure, inflicting widespread panic. Johnson is criticised for being unprepared and gradual to behave. He declares a nationwide lockdown, however later than most different international locations. Public well being messaging and an ineffective check and hint system are criticised. Sunak declares a £30bn fund to guard the economic system, £330bn in enterprise mortgage ensures and a furlough scheme that may ultimately price £70bn. Johnson is seen shaking palms with individuals, together with hospital sufferers, on the identical day the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies (Sage) advises the general public to minimise bodily contact. Days later he assessments optimistic for the virus.

Like Jesus, I need to die for the sins of all mankind

Unhinged Fact: With nice reluctance, and in opposition to the official recommendation of presidency specialists whose id I need to shield, I order a lockdown. There are already sniping, unpatriotic noises off about how the political class all the time seems out for themselves and their pals. I imply, come on. We’re chucking round tons of of billions of kilos, there’s sufficient there for everybody to seize a fistful. I couldn’t bear although to be thought a coward, hiding away at No 10, miles away from the entrance line like a quivering conchie. No, I decide that I ought to contract this blasted virus and – praesis ut prosis – present management via service by then recovering from it. Abracadabra!

Hey presto! Professional bono publico! I am going round shaking palms with as many germy-looking proles as I can, even sneaking right into a hospital’s isolation ward and intentionally hugging the sufferers there, who’re extraordinarily shocked and delighted to see me!

July–September 2020

Vacation.

December 2021

Discredited Narrative: Revelations begin to emerge about a number of unlawful events held in Downing Avenue. The rising scandal is named “Partygate”. A leaked video exhibits advisers apparently joking a couple of latest get together at No 10. {A photograph} is revealed by the Every day Mirror of Johnson at a quiz evening. The Guardian publishes a photograph of Johnson, his spouse and as much as 17 employees members within the Downing Avenue backyard having fun with cheese and wine, at a time when giant social gatherings had been prohibited.

Unhinged Fact: Yeah, Merry Fucking Christmas. Has anybody anyplace ever been lumbered with such ineffective subordinates? I’m as SHOCKED as anybody to listen to that I’ll inadvertently have attended social gatherings at No 10. How shocked? Nicely, I’ve adjusted my “shocked face” within the mirror this morning, turned it proper as much as 11, and let me let you know, it seems bloody scary. I utterly, COMPLETELY perceive the emotions of the kinfolk of those that died frightened and alone in hospital whereas allegedly some arsehole downstairs right here was careening round to Whitney Houston. It breaks my coronary heart.

July 2022

Discredited Narrative: Johnson tells the BBC he had been knowledgeable of a misconduct grievance in opposition to Chris Pincher earlier than appointing him deputy chief whip, admitting his choice was a “dangerous mistake”. Dominic Cummings alleges Johnson joked that he was “Pincher by identify, pincher by nature”. Sunak and Sajid Javid resign. Over the following 24 hours, greater than 60 authorities officers additionally resign. The levelling up secretary, Michael Gove, refuses to affirm his help. Johnson sacks him, then resigns as prime minister.

Unhinged Fact: Mimsy Gove, that four-eyed fucking arsehole. Face like a MUDSKIPPER, silly flapping girly palms, by no means trusted him. Nicely good luck now mate, take pleasure in your standing as boring footnote in British political historical past.

Hey-ho, all issues should cross, all flesh is grass, quand c’est l’heure, c’est l’heure … As soon as in each few generations, a beloved public determine should do the honourable factor for Queen and nation and graciously retreat, for the nice of all. Like Jesus, I need to die for the sins of all mankind, nonetheless unfair and admittedly fucking shitty that’s. However worry not, for like Jesus, I shall return. Not only for a few days to dazzle everybody after which disappear upstairs, however for a very long time. I’ll simply say this: lots of those that caused my downfall are clearly envious; though I’m pushing 60, I’m youthful, higher wanting and extra sexually lively than any of them. I go away with my dignity and status INTACT. Would possibly write a e-book.



Source link

Tags: AchillesAlternativeBorisExtractfelthardhatIanJohnsonsMartinmemoir
Previous Post

How to Get Vitamin A Sources on a Plant-Based Diet

Next Post

COVID-19 Doubles Risk Of Heart Attacks, Strokes For Up To Three Years: Study

Related Posts

Mother’s obesity linked to child’s heightened hospital admission risk for infection
Diseases

Mother’s obesity linked to child’s heightened hospital admission risk for infection

June 4, 2025
Report highlights evidence, remaining data gaps on vaccines and antibiotic resistance
Diseases

Report highlights evidence, remaining data gaps on vaccines and antibiotic resistance

June 3, 2025
MIS-C patients catch up with controls by most measures within 2 years, data suggest
Diseases

MIS-C patients catch up with controls by most measures within 2 years, data suggest

June 4, 2025
U.S. Global Health Legislation Tracker
Diseases

U.S. Global Health Legislation Tracker

June 4, 2025
Large-scale immunity profiling grants insights into flu virus evolution
Diseases

Large-scale immunity profiling grants insights into flu virus evolution

June 3, 2025
Antibody-drug conjugate shows promising safety and response rates for patients with rare blood cancer
Diseases

Antibody-drug conjugate shows promising safety and response rates for patients with rare blood cancer

June 3, 2025
Next Post
COVID-19 Doubles Risk Of Heart Attacks, Strokes For Up To Three Years: Study

COVID-19 Doubles Risk Of Heart Attacks, Strokes For Up To Three Years: Study

Vegan Baked Oatmeal | Kara Lydon

Vegan Baked Oatmeal | Kara Lydon

Will a disturbing scoop about Trump and Putin affect Trump’s electoral chances? | Margaret Sullivan

Will a disturbing scoop about Trump and Putin affect Trump’s electoral chances? | Margaret Sullivan

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

RECOMMENDED

Guidance requiring hospitals to provide emergency abortions revoked
Health

Guidance requiring hospitals to provide emergency abortions revoked

by admin
June 4, 2025
0

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration introduced on Tuesday that it might revoke steering to the nation’s hospitals that directed them...

Brain network activity may offer clues to future drinking behaviors of adolescents

Brain network activity may offer clues to future drinking behaviors of adolescents

May 31, 2025
Agarwood Incense, Meditation, Relaxing, Healing #oudhserenity #agarwood #whiteoud #relaxationmusic

Agarwood Incense, Meditation, Relaxing, Healing #oudhserenity #agarwood #whiteoud #relaxationmusic

May 31, 2025
What is mantle cell lymphoma? The ‘rare and fast-moving’ cancer explained

What is mantle cell lymphoma? The ‘rare and fast-moving’ cancer explained

June 1, 2025
Quality of kids’ diets linked with dad’s eating habits as a teen

Quality of kids’ diets linked with dad’s eating habits as a teen

May 31, 2025
AASM announces the 2025 High School Video Contest winners

AASM announces the 2025 High School Video Contest winners

May 29, 2025
Facebook Twitter Instagram Youtube RSS
Agarwood Times

Stay informed with the latest news, articles, and insights on agarwood cultivation, history, sustainability, and more. Explore the timeless allure of agarwood and deepen your understanding of this extraordinary natural resource.

CATEGORIES

  • Agarwood
  • Diet & Fitness
  • Diseases
  • Health
  • Meditation
  • Nutrition
  • Sleep Info
  • Uncategorized
No Result
View All Result

SITEMAP

  • About us
  • Advertise With Us
  • Disclaimer
  • Privacy Policy
  • DMCA
  • Cookie Privacy Policy
  • Terms and Conditions
  • Contact us

Copyright © 2024 Agarwood Times.
Agarwood Times is not responsible for the content of external sites.

No Result
View All Result
  • Home
  • Agarwood
  • Health
  • Diseases
  • Diet & Fitness
  • Nutrition
  • Sleep Info
  • Meditation
  • Shop
VISIT ROYALMOK

Copyright © 2024 Agarwood Times.
Agarwood Times is not responsible for the content of external sites.

Welcome Back!

Login to your account below

Forgotten Password?

Retrieve your password

Please enter your username or email address to reset your password.

Log In